“What’s with the lead pipe? Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin’?” – Ned Flanders

One of the true hallmarks of Zombie Simpsons is the way relationships between characters have changed for the worse. To take but one example, Lenny and Carl were once a pretty normal pair of work buddies and, as work buddies often are, they were hilarious together. Gradually that perfectly workable comedy devolved into not-gay/gay/hetero-life-mate/I-don’t-even-know-how-to-describe-it-because-no-one-in-real-life-is-anything-like-them. They stopped being recognizable characters and became an institution.

Much the same thing happened between Homer and Flanders. Homer used to simply resent his neighbor for being a better and more liked person than him. (Even in the above quoted “Homer Loves Flanders”, Homer only hangs out with Flanders because Ned lets Homer push him around and take advantage of him.) As The Simpsons turned into Zombie Simpsons Homer’s resentment dissolved and they became fast friends, getting into wacky adventures together. This vile episode is amongst the first of that dull genre.

Eight people on this one, including a token female.

2:00 – As they talk about the cow that makes ice cream I can actually detect a note of shame and/or regret. “Now this is probably one of those instances where we had an animal behave slightly too human.” Then the scene goes on for another twenty seconds of uncomfortable silence before the cow kicks Frink and they talk about how all their jokes are tested first.

3:20 – Talking about what they wanted to do with Ned after they killed Maude. Wasn’t this show supposed to not be concerned with character development?

5:30 – Ned’s weird Maude indent on the bed and the rest of this scene is described by them as the creepy part. Yeah, that’s why people like the show, the creepy factor.

6:15 – Homer is hanging from Ned’s window for no reason, “I got a feeling that wasn’t our original act break.” Followed, as usual, by laughter at the crappiness. That’s followed by this window into the suck, “When something’s not working you just put Homer in, if he’s not in the scene already.” That’s the kickoff to a discussion of how they like to do this. Homer used to be a character, now he’s a prop, and the creators are fine with this. Marvelous.

8:00 – As they conveniently discover Maude’s sketchbook on the lawn someone says, “That feels like it’s important to the plot.” as they all laugh at the cheap nature of the turn.

8:40 – “There’s a lot of emotional music cues in this one.” No shit.

9:00 – Long discussion of how many people die in amusement parks. It’s far more interesting than what’s going on in the episode.

10:45 – Laughter at the fact that Marge’s concern over Ned makes no sense.

11:45 – “We need a commentary for the commentary to find out what we were thinking during these long quiet periods.”

12:20 – Story about the opening of Disneyland.

13:15 – Laughing at the weird improbability of Ned’s stupid theme park.

14:00 – Long, long silence.

15:35 – This could’ve been worse, originally there was going to be some kind of murderer and then Wiggum was going to blow up the park with a celebratory cigar at the gas leak.

17:30 – Yeah, we’re pretty much ignoring all the weird fantasies everyone’s having to discuss anything else, Liza Minnelli, Studio 54, you name it.

18:45 – Long silence broken by one of the animators informing us that they used to have to do ripple effects physically instead of digitally.

19:45 – Still mostly ignoring the episode to talk about how well Tress MacNeille can do hacking cough noises.

20:45 – Long silence, small chuckle, long silence.

21:30 – “I think we just blew off Homer running down the street making insane noises for no reason.” Yes, yes you did.

22:00 – And we’re ending on a discussion of what show followed them in the 8:30 slot in those days.

“Springfield has come down with a fever . . . football fever, brought on by the biggest game of the year, the pigskin classic between the Shelbyville Sharks and our own Springfield Atoms.  If you have the fever, there’s only one cure.  Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning.” – Kent Brockman

“Warning: Tickets should not be taken internally.” – TV Announcer

“See, because of me, now they have a warning.” – Homer Simpson

“Where’s your messiah now, Flanders?” – Chief Wiggum

With no lead in from the NFL, no anniversary special, no massive promotional effort Zombie Simpsons’ popularity has plummeted to earth like so much half chewed fish.  Last night’s test of audience patience drew a puny 5.11 million viewers.  Is that the lowest rating ever?  Yes, yes it is.  The only problem with it is that it’s just slightly higher than Family Guy Spinoff #1 which came in at 5.06 in the 9:30 slot.  I think we can safely conclude that there will be no lasting bump from nostalgia related anniversary viewers. 

“There. I hope the children enjoy my special fruit punch.” – Marge Simpson
“We got the recipe from the Fruit Punch Advisory Board.” – Lisa Simpson
“Oh gosh, I’m sorry. Our boys don’t eat sugar.” – Maude Flanders
“But why would the Advisory Board give us bad advice?” – Marge Simpson
“No sugar!” – Maude Flanders

“If you have the fever, there’s only one cure: take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning.” – Kent Brockman
“Warning, tickets should not be taken internally.” – Announcer
“See because of me, now they have a warning.” – Homer Simpson

“Don’t worry Bart, it seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons.  My advice is to ride it out, make an occasional smart aleck quip, and by next week we’ll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure.” – Lisa Simpson
“Aye caramba!” – Bart Simpson
“That’s the spirit.” – Lisa Simpson

I was a little worried that the internet would get eaten by Zuckerberg this week the way it was eaten by Glee last couple of weeks.  Fortunately, it died out by Tuesday and we’ve got some quality links.  There’s a lot of video and usage this week, in addition to the usual randomness, including some bottle openers, a mourned Simpsons fan, the continued march of the word “embiggen”, and a cranky old man who hates the Simpsons and SpongeBob.

Enjoy.

No.11: Listen to a classic album – Dark Side of the Moon and Simpsons references go well together, plus this is excellent usage:

There’s a great episode of The Simpsons where Homer bemoans his lack of knowledge about the “hip, young people’s” music, and Marge responds by saying “Well, music is none of my business.”

That’s pretty much how I feel on a daily basis. I just don’t seem to have a very good musical knowledge.

Marge doesn’t actually say “Well”, but the rest is spot on. 

Phase2 – Heh.  If the show had gone off the air in 1999ish like it should have, there’d be no Peter vs. Homer debate.  There’d just be, “Well, it’s not as good as The Simpsons.”  (via rubbercatsimp on Twitter)

Appetite for Crustacean – An upcoming trip to Red Lobster inspires an embedded Hulu video of Homer’s trip to The Frying Dutchman.

Memories of Sam – A long and touching tribute to an old friend, including his love of The Simpsons and Moe’s failed love life. 

What Happens When States Vote Republican – Excellent usage. 

Kind Words from The Fashionista – Mildly misquoted Simpsons adds to family harmony, well, sort of. 

19 Weird Wine Bottle Openers – A collection of weird bottle openers, including several from the Simpsons.  The Bill Clinton one is also pretty funny. 

It’s a Perfectly Cromulent Word – Respectable publication The Economist used “embiggened” in a sentence.  Also, click through for the sweet Scrabble drawing of “embiggen”.  (From Andy Daglas by way of dailysimpsons on Twitter.)

Texts From Last Week Part 7 – Zombie Simpsons love of Kesha has tarnished them for another fan:

“Is it worth judging someone solely based on their taste in music? What if they like truly awful musicians like 3OH!3 and Ke$ha? Honestly, if you like a band with some sort of punctuation in the name, which has you question the pronunciation, I think you need to re-evaluate your musical taste. Is this music  REALLY what you should be listening to? I think not. And I think the Music Gods would agree.”

That’s followed by YouTube of the awful Kesha opening, and this:

This song has slightly tainted my view of The Simpsons. How unfortunate.

It was bound to happen. 

Postcards from California #23 – This is the first thing I’ve ever read about the Simpsons ride at Universal Studios that has ever made me want to ride it:

The Simpsons Ride was awesome, like an interactive episode from Season 3.

Note to Thomas Friedman: Democrats and Republicans are not Kodos and Kang – All Thomas Friedman columns should come with a warning, something like “For Entertainment Purposes Only” or “Upper Class Twit of the Year”.  And this is double excellent usage:

In his New York Times column today, Thomas Friedman treats Democrats and Republicans like Kodos and Kang’s Clinton and Dole in Treehouse of Horror VII.  There, the Simpsons writers at their peak cynically distill American politics to pool-tested banalities.  Kang dressed as Dole gives the following speech:  ”Abortions for all.”  [Boo.]  ”Very well, no abortions for anyone.”  [Boo.]  ”Hmm…  Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.”  [Cheer!]  Then Kodos dressed as Clinton says: “My fellow Americans.  As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must more forwards, not backwards, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.”

Smacked down by a fourteen year old cartoon.  Bravo. 

The Spongebob Effect: Immorality and Commercial Children’s Television Programming – It’s getting harder and harder to find people who are still this clueless and anti-fun:

When I asked one of the parents why these kids were so nonchalantly, but heavily, insulting each other throughout the day, I was told, “It’s the Spongebob Effect.”  The kids watch Spongebob Squarepants all day long and that’s what they take away from the show:  Cruelty and insult.

I looked at the parent in question and asked, “So why do you let your kids watch Spongebob if it is leaking immorality into their lives?”

“I think it’s a funny show,” was the dead-faced, deadpan, reply, “I can’t stand the purple dinosaur, but Spongebob, I can watch, too.”

“So it’s about your convenience and not you child’s socio-psychological welfare?”

“It’s just a TV show,” was the scolded retort.  Conversation over.

It is dangerous to mix adult humor for reception by young minds because it creates a confusing devil’s brew for the young, the immature, and the inexperienced.  What is real?  What is appropriate?  Do we really want Spongebob teaching our children how to interact with the world around them?

“The Simpsons” is another anarchic, human anathema of a for-profit “children’s show” that actually preaches immorality enrobed in “humor” for easier kid consumption.  Do we really want Bart Simpson’s morality to be the morality bred in the home?

I’m particularly fond of “leaking immorality” and “human anathema”.  That’s good crotchetiness!

U-R-GAY – Someone photoshopped the screen grab to spell it the way Homer says it.  Also, this blog’s tagline is “Gayer Than Christmas”.  Sweet. 

Stephen King’s IT…In 10 Words – Tim Curry will eat you. 

Crazy Cat Lady Totally Looks Like Steven Tyler – It’s not as far off as I thought it would be when I clicked on it. 

Lots of Celebs in Town This Week – Matt Groening will be at the American Visionary Art Museum tonight. 

Rooftop concerts – I didn’t get the reference the first time I saw “Homer’s Barbershop Quartet” either. 

Poltergeist Preacher Totally Looks Like Mr. Burns – Enh, not as much as that raccoon from last week.

Since the beginning of time… – Man has yearned to block out the sun, excellently quoted.  And the blog has a Grampa quote as part of its template. 

American Dentata – A Brit getting American dental work done, which inspires hurt national feelings and Hulu of The Big Book of British Smiles. 

Detectives in Gloucestershire likened to Chief Wiggum from The Simpsons – An exchange of pithy quotes between management and labor invokes Simpsons and gives newspaper writers an easy hook for a story. 

Plasticizers: A Smoking Gun For Lance? – Lots of Simpsons quotes, which look mostly right but I didn’t check, in an article about doping and Lance Armstrong. 

Don’t mind if I do! – A little Halloween YouTube to help finish things off.  Guh, that Hulu chyron on the bottom is annoying. 

Best Simpsons Epidsodes You’ll Never See – And finally, in response to those old Simpsons documents Bill Oakley found on his hard drive (which I’ve mentioned on Twitter and has come up in comments), we get this:

But then the show’s best writers left, episodes got less funny and more gonzo, a mediocre spin-off movie came out, and all the young kids started watching South Park, Family Guy, and probably some new cartoon I haven’t even heard of yet.

Good enough. 

“I did it!  Second in line and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.” – Homer Simpson
“With the money you would’ve made working you could’ve bought tickets from a scalper.” – Guy
“In theory, yes . . . jerk.” – Homer Simpson

“You know Stan Taylor?” – Homer Simpson
“Know me?  Ned Flanders saved me.  I used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models until Ned and his Bible group showed me that I could have more.” – Stan “The Boy” Taylor
“Professional athletes, always wanting more.” – Homer Simpson

It’s silly season and so people tend to be away from their keyboards more than usual, which means a shorter than average Reading Digest.  (In case you are bored or stuck at work or something, I have attempted to compensate through aggressive block quoting.)  We do have two Tebow-Flanders links this week though, in addition to lots of crappy merchandise (seasonally appropriate!), the ugly reality behind that merchandise, some excellent usage, and a forward for the L.A. Kings who agrees with us.

Enjoy.

[Programming Note: With Annual Gift Man descending from the moon on Saturday night things are likely to be a little quiet around here.  Quotes of the Day will go up as normal, of course, but there might be just one or two other posts next week, depending on when Netflix delivers the first disc of . . . ugh . . . Season 14.  There probably will be a Reading Digest next week, but no promises.  This time of year has a way of cruelly mocking well intentioned plans.]

“Um…Dasher…Dancer…Prancer…Nixon…Comet…Cupid…Donna Dixon?” – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this piece of well deserved love for “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”.  That episode can never be loved enough.

D’oh! Stunned couple unearth 800-year-old stone head in their garden… and it looks like HOMER SIMPSON – The 800 year figure is total speculation, but apparently someone at a museum did think it was old.  And it does look like Homer.

Review: Greetings from the Simpsons! – That postcard blog remains on a Simpsons roll.  This week they’re reviewing two different books of Simpsons postcards.  Check out Selma’s “Rocket Bra”. 

7 Similarities Between Tim Tebow and Ned Flanders – I like #6 and #7:

6. Both are thankful for the little things, like rainbows. And Marion Barber.

7. Both have a non-believer they just cannot convert.

Heh.

Watch: Brad Bird talks about directing Tom Cruise in IMAX for M:I – Ghost Protocol – If we get one good thing out of a completely unnecessary fourth Mission Impossible movie, it will be to let Brad Bird do whatever he wants next:

As long as I’ve been in LA, I’ve been enjoying great conversations with Brad Bird.

When I worked at Dave’s Video in the early ’90s, Bird was one of our regular customers.  At that point, he was working on "The Simpsons," and he was already known by some film geeks for his incredible "Family Dog" episode of "Amazing Stories."  At that point, I remember long conversations about pulp classics, spy movies, his dream of making either "The Spirit" or a SF animated film called "Ray Gunn," and much more.  He was one of those customers of ours who really lived and breathed movies, who seemed to be interested in every genre and in every type of filmmaking.

There’s also some interesting backstory about The Iron Giant. 

“One For The Book”/“The Spy Who Came In For A Cold One” – Speaking of showbiz lore, here’s a little Sideshow Bob tidbit for you:

(There is a punchline: According to multiple sources, Kelsey Grammer, who had worked with Rabb in the theater, would later claim to have used him as the model for Sideshow Bob, The Simpsons’ affected, two-bit carny geek with Shakespearean aspirations.)

25 Of The Craziest Simpsons Guest Stars – This is a decent if (somewhat page-whorish) list that stops right as it gets into the twilight of the show.

Holiday Toy Guide | The Indypendent – I have no idea how much credence to give this, Jebus knows citing National Review Online isn’t encouraging, but here it is:

Homer Simpson Slippers

China, the biggest exporter of consumer goods on the planet, is also home to the largest penal colony in the world — a top-secret network of more than 1,000 forced-labor camps known as laogai. Charles Lee, one of five million prison slaves, was imprisoned from 2003-2006, and says that he was forced to make Homer Simpson slippers. When asked by a reporter from National Review Online what he thought of people who bought the slippers, he replied, “Oh, they just want the cheapest product. But I feel that, if they knew about my situation, it would bother them.” D’oh!

Banksy, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you. 

Burger King Marge Simpson 12in Doll 1990 – The Krusty Brand Seal of Approval strikes again:

Yes, her feet are bigger than her shoulders, but I’m sure it passed a rigorous quality screening before it got sent to Burger King.

Homer Simpson animated clock $16.99 & free shipping, hurry – More crappy merchandise:

Here’s the “Member Summary”:

Product Features: •Beer or doughnut? Homer can’t decide
•Arms move up and down
•Eyes move back and forth from doughnut to beer
•Requires 2 AA batteries (not included)
•Tells the time
What You Get: Homer Simpson Animated Clock

“Tells the time”, well that’s a relief.

Corporate America: No complaints considered – It’s Season 11, but it’s still excellent usage:

So in the words of “The Simpsons’” Krusty the Klown, “”Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Kwazy Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan.” And speaking of complaints, I just know I’ll be hearing about this.

Not from me, he got the quote dead on.

Sideshow Bob by ~Raptorhunter123 on deviantART – Fan drawing of Sideshow Bob with hair that’s been flattened a bit.  Perhaps he was sleeping?

Fictional Holiday Specials That I Wish Were Real – More of Krusty’s Non-Denominational Holiday Fun Fest would’ve been a real improvement for that episode.  Also, KISS Saves Santa is a fantastic idea.

Thhhhhheeeee Skaaaarrryyyyyyyssss – A few photos of really well done Marge graffiti in Melbourne, Australia.

Tim Tebow…In 10 Words – The rare twofer reference from our friend Galileo, with both the tagline and the tooltip being Simpsons related.

New Deck: International Icon Tarot (with Happy Squirrel card) – There’s a real tarot card deck with a Happy Squirrel card:

Some extra love is of course reserved for the Happy Squirrel card (about which you can read everything you ever wanted to know here and here), which was included as a reference to Matt Groening’s The Simpsons (you can see a storyboard of the episode here). I love squirrels, and I love Lisa Simpson, and I love having a serious tarot deck that references The Simpsons.

Sadly those links aren’t working, but that’s still pretty cool of whoever it is decides what goes into tarot decks.

25 Days of Ultra-Christmas: The Simpsons – “Holidays of Future Passed” – This guy’s much more positive on that episode than I was, but he’s coming from the right place:

The Simpsons, as much as I think it’s the greatest TV comedy of all time, hasn’t been worth watching on a week-to-week basis in at least a decade. Last year’s Christmas episode, which I tuned in for solely because of the Christmas blogging, was pretty dour, and exactly the kind of lame, unfunny stuff I expected from the show.

Alvin & The Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked…In 10 Words – The chipmunks were part of the “crappy computer animated movie” invasion of the Aughts.

There’s a Simpsons fan in Kings’ locker room – And finally, I get to end with someone who agrees with us, and who just became my new favorite NHL player:

Growing up in the small Mennonite community of Winkler, Manitoba, roughly 15 miles north of the border with North Dakota, Los Angeles Kings forward Dustin Penner found ways to remain entertained outside of hockey during the long winter months.
He watched "The Simpsons." Three or four times a day.
"I first started watching with my mom," Penner said. "That was the first kind of PG-cartoon I could watch coming from a really Christian town."
He also was known over the summer for using a relevant Simpsons quote when asked by a reporter whether fans’ criticism of his play had gotten to him.
"The one thing I can say — and I don’t know if you watch ‘The Simpsons,’ the episode with Darryl Strawberry, when they start (chanting) ‘Darryl, Darryl,’ and there’s a tear in his eye — I used to laugh at that, and now I don’t," Penner told LA Kings Insider in July.

Ha.  But wait, it gets better:

Perhaps Penner will need to take Homer’s advice from the episode "Whacking Day" as a message to get the team’s offensive pulse beating again.
"You just put away that rage and put it into a little ball and unleash it at the appropriate time," Penner paraphrased from memory. "Like the day daddy hit the referee with the whiskey bottle. Remember that, when daddy hit the referee?"
But is quoting "The Simpsons" in an NHL locker room the easiest way to get through to your teammates?
"It depends on your audience. A lot of these guys I think aren’t as big of a Simpsons fan as I am," Penner said. "I remember even a couple of years back with a buddy Zenon Konopka, who plays for the Ottawa Senators now — we would go nonstop all day. Maybe I’ve gotten away from it a bit, but it’s always in the back of my mind."

Now I have two new favorite NHL players.  Oh, and here’s the part where he agrees with us:

"Whenever they’re on, I’ll watch them," Penner said. "I’m a purist. The older the episode, the more I’ll enjoy them."
*    *    *
Dustin Penner’s favorite Simpsons lines
• Marge: The plant called and said that if you don’t come in tomorrow, don’t bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo hoo! Four-day weekend!
• Homer: Default? Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language! De-fault! De-fault! De-fault!
• Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.

Professional athletes, never trying. 

“Gimme, uh, thirty-thousand tickets.” – Scalper
“That’ll be nine-hundred and fifty thousand dollars, please.” – Ticket Lady
“Look, thing about that is, I only got ten dollars on me.  Can I pay you the rest later?” – Scalper
“Sure.” – Ticket Lady

“Tonight on Eye on Springfield, just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill.  The government calls it “The Army”, but a more alarmist name would be: The Kill-Bot Factory.” – Kent Brockman

“Watch this, Ned, they don’t call me Springfield Fats just because I’m morbidly obese.” – Homer Simpson

“Oh, you poor, unfortunate man.  Let’s get you out of those clothes immediately, and we’ll do whatever we can about the smell.” – Father James Helter
“But, I . . . alright.” – Homer Simpson

“What’s wrong, Jeremiah?” – Old Sheep
“It’s not fair.  My brother Joseph has a sin to confess.  I wish I had one too.” – Jeremiah the Sheep
“Oh, don’t you see, you do have a sin to confess, the sin of envy.” – Old Sheep
“That’s all well and good for sheep, but what are we to do?” – Todd Flanders

“Oh, can’t you see this man isn’t a hero?  He’s annoying!  He’s very, very annoying!” – Ned Flanders
“Well, Ned Flanders is just jealous.” – Helen Lovejoy
“The guy’s hepped up on goofballs.” – Moe
“Let’s sacrifice him to our god! . . . Come on, we did it all the time in the 30s.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson

“Homer, I’d love to chitty-chat, but tonight’s the night I do my charity work.” – Ned Flanders
“Oh, yeah, judge made me do that once, too.  Stupid lack of public urinals.” – Homer Simpson

Happy 20th Anniversary to “Homer Loves Flanders”!  Original airdate 17 March 1994.

“They swore they’d get us back by spiking our water supply, but they didn’t have the guts.” – Homer Simpson
“Ohhh, the walls are melting again.” – Marge Simpson
“Personally, I think I’m overdone.” – Turkey

Happy birthday Wes Archer!

“Homer, that’s our wedding photo.” – Marge Simpson
“Marge, quit living in the past.” – Homer Simpson

“Don’t you think you’re spending too much time with Ned?  Your family needs you too.” – Marge Simpson
“Oh, of course you’d say something like that, Marge, you’ve hated Ned for years!  In fact, you wanted to bash his head in with a pipe.” – Homer Simpson
“That was you!” – Marge Simpson
“Love, Marge, don’t hate.  Love.” – Homer Simpson

“Tonight on Eye on Springfield, just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill.  The government calls it “The Army”, but a more alarmist name would be: The Kill-Bot Factory.” – Kent Brockman

“Watch this, Ned, they don’t call me Springfield Fats just because I’m morbidly obese.” – Homer Simpson